Hey there, Caregiver Friends! Today, we’re focusing on caregiver self-care, tip #3 in the Tips for Caregivers series. Why self-care? Because caregiver fatigue is real. It can be overwhelming and lead to other issues affecting our mind, body, and spirit. Preventing caregiver fatigue is the goal, and caregiver self-care is the key.

What is caregiver self-care

Self-care is something every family caregiver should practice, but what is it? According to Oxford Languages, it means, “taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.” Can you tell me what part of being a family caregiver isn’t stressful in some way?

Caregiver self-care is more than a manicure and bubble bath (yes, also self-care). But, practiced regularly, meaningful and consistent self-care should result in you feeling rested, with a sense of peace, joy, renewal, and overall well-being. As a family caregiver, you are allowed to experience these things.

Why do we neglect self-care

Self-care is trending, but often family caregivers seem to avoid the subject. Many see self-care as an indulgence; it’s not. Before we go any further, I confess that I’m no expert. I learned about self-care (and the adverse effects of not practicing it) in the Caregiver 101 classroom of life, and trust me, it wasn’t pretty. During my life as a caregiver, I’ve come to understand that self-care comes in many different forms and there’s no secret, one-size-fits-all recipe. That’s because we are all different and have unique needs, so it may take time to figure out what works best.

It’s time, or our perceived lack of it, that makes the idea of self-care difficult for many family caregivers to embrace. Well, guess what! We all have the same 24 hours every day. It’s how we choose to use them that will make a difference (good or bad) in our health and well-being.

Time is one factor, but there are myriad reasons why family caregivers may not prioritize self-care. Here are just a few:

• Can’t accept help or don’t believe others can care for our loved one while we take care of ourselves
• Misunderstandings about self-care
• We don’t know where to start
• Don’t think we have the resources (walking and stretching are free)
• Energy-sucking guilt takes over and says we don’t deserve it (go back to Tip #1)
• We think we’re fine, so focused on caregiving that we don’t recognize our own needs
• There’s no room left in our lives for anything “extra”
• We’re too tired (WARNING!)

Fatigue is a precursor to burnout

What is fatigue? It’s more than being tired. I think Merriam-Webster’s definitions get to the heart of it, especially for caregivers:

Fatigue is “weariness or exhaustion from labor, exertion, or stress; a state or attitude of indifference or apathy brought on by overexposure (as to a repeated series of similar events or appeals)”

Read that definition again, because it should be an eye-opener for those family caregivers who think they’re fine.

I’ll say it again, “Caregiver fatigue is real.” Preventing fatigue is essential if you want to prevent other physical and mental health issues that can lead to burnout. So, you can see why caregiver self-care is not an indulgence but rather a necessity.

Fatigue will take over if you let it, so don’t let it. Now is the time to shift your mindset and start prioritizing your self-care. Without it, your days as an effective caregiver are numbered, but that’s not the only reason to prioritize self-care. You are still here. You have a life to enjoy. And you, and your overall health, are no less important than that of your care recipient.

Here’s how I was feeling a few years back while caring for my sister, Michelle:

“Fatigue, both mental and physical. It covers me from head to heart some days. 

Some call it caregiver burnout. For me, the almost constant state of fatigue has a lot to do with the ongoing sleep interruptions. I can’t tell you the last time I had more than four hours of uninterrupted sleep, and it shows on more than my face. There’s a lack of concentration, an inability to focus, general irritability, and zero desire to do pretty much anything.” Click here to read more from Confessions of a Caregiver, Ep. 11

I was in so deep I didn’t recognize where I was headed.

Avoid burnout at all costs

Left unchecked, fatigue can creep in unnoticed by the caregiver, leading to other issues on the way to burnout. Issues like sleep disturbances (not caused by the care recipient), irritability, changes in appetite, emotional exhaustion, lack of motivation, anxiety, and lack of empathy are just a few.

Caregiver burnout is a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion. It may be accompanied by a change in attitude, from positive and caring to negative and unconcerned. Burnout can occur when caregivers don’t get the help they need, or if they try to do more than they are able, physically or financially. Many caregivers also feel guilty if they spend time on themselves rather than on their ill or elderly loved ones. Caregivers who are “burned out” may experience fatigue, stress, anxiety, and depression. – Cleveland Clinic Health Library, reviewed on 01/13/2019

Many family caregivers don’t recognize the symptoms and don’t seek support early enough to prevent burnout. And it’s worse for the solo caregiver living with their care recipient, many of whom are 65+ caring for a spouse. Over time, care needs can gradually increase. Caregivers continue caring, but now it requires more and more time and energy. In this scenario, the family caregiver becomes somewhat isolated from friends and family. There’s no one around enough to notice changes in the caregiver until it’s too late.

Burnout is serious and, like many other serious issues, prevention is often the best medicine.

My burnout story

If you’ve raised children or are raising them now, you’ll know what I mean. They need help with (or you do it for them) dressing, eating, bathing, going up and down stairs, finding things, putting things away, and general care and feeding. Now, think of doing all the same stuff for a small adult, indefinitely. Don’t forget the laundry, shopping, driving, entertaining, meds, and decisions (all the decisions for everything, all the time). All of which are the caregiver’s responsibility.

My Sister Michelle

“Estimates suggest that 50% or more of people with Down syndrome will develop dementia due to Alzheimer’s disease as they age.” –National Institute on Aging, Alzheimer’s Disease in People With Down Syndrome, November 30, 2020

When I was a 24/7 caregiver to my sister, Michelle, I was also working full-time. I was in an almost constant state of fatigue. Three years into caregiving, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, which is common in Down Syndrome. Things were okay for a while until the ongoing sleep interruptions and physical exertion required to care for her became an issue. I experienced, like many other Alzheimer’s caregivers, an inability to concentrate, a lack of focus, general irritability, and zero desire to do pretty much anything, i.e., burnout.

All the symptoms were there, but I didn’t see them. I was too close and, in zombie-like fashion, I kept putting one foot in front of the other and walked straight into burnout, which progressed to compassion fatigue (a story for another day). I didn’t see my doctor because I didn’t think anything was wrong.  Instead, I thought, “You’re doing A LOT, why wouldn’t you be tired. Take a vitamin and suck it up!” Right?

Wrong.

I needed help.

Eventually, I found a good Christian counselor who identified the problem and helped me through it. Then, I hired an excellent caregiver to give me some time to recover every day. And later, I began working with a caregiver coach. That’s self-care.

Preventing burnout

Like anything worth doing, practicing effective caregiver self-care takes “practice,” and it may take time to figure out what works for you. So, don’t give up too soon. It’s worth making time in your schedule to discover what works best for your whole self: mind, body, and spirit.

While a deep tissue massage is heavenly, before you make that appointment, why not take a quick assessment of your situation? It may just help you determine what form of self-care serves you best. To help you get started, I’ve provided several questions below, along with supporting prompts for digging deeper into what sort of caregiver self-care might meet your specific needs.

• When was your last check-up? Teeth cleaning? Eye exam?
• Are you eating a balanced diet? Fresh food or mostly processed?
• What do you do for exercise? You don’t need a gym membership for this. Movement is free.
• When was the last time you got eight hours of sleep? Get enough sleep. (Tough to do if your care recipient doesn’t sleep.) Learn to turn off the TV and put down your phone before bed. Try to develop a bedtime routine. It helps kids get to sleep, why not family caregivers, too?
• Do you see or speak with friends and family regularly? You may have to make the effort here. Or find new friends.
• How often do you get outdoors (aside from taking out the trash, that is)? Even a few minutes a day in the yard or on the porch can help.
• How are you attending to your spiritual needs? Getting to church on Sunday may not always work, but there are other ways to connect with God and receive His replenishment. You can find a Bible app, schedule regular prayer, find an online bible study, or attend a church service (online or in person).
• When was the last time you did something for yourself, unrelated to caregiving? Do your favorite hobby, read a book, or call a friend.
• What’s your stress level? You may need to see your doctor for this one or ask a trusted friend to share what they observe.

The answers to these few simple questions may surprise you. Again, especially if you think you’re fine.

Start caregiver self-care toolbox

Try journaling to help increase awareness of what you actually do in a day and how it affects you. Journaling may help determine when and where self-care could help the most. BONUS-Journalling helps in all sorts of ways. It doesn’t have to be a drawn-out blow-by-blow of your day. A shore note or even a drawing can capture what you’re feeling. Keep it simple. Use paper or the notes app on your phone, if that’s more convenient.

Make and keep your wellness visits. Need I say more, friend?

Pay attention to your diet and how you feel after a meal or snack. If it doesn’t serve you, don’t eat it.

Hydrate. This is super important

Move. This is super, super important. While our care recipient might be less mobile, caregivers must find ways to incorporate movement daily, such as walking in place, dancing to a favorite song, or stretching while your French press is pressing.

Get organized instead of letting things surprise you. Running out of medicine or supplies that you or your care recipient needs is never a good surprise, and you deserve

more of those. So, keep supplies where you need them and you can see them, then you’ll know when it’s time to reorder.

I know it’s hard, but try to maintain at least a flexible schedule as much as caregiving allows. That’s a bit of an oxymoron, I know, but learning to be flexible minimizes those not-so-good surprises and keeps your stress level more manageable. That’s good for you and everyone around you, too.

This should be an easy one. Pray. Prayer is simply having a conversation with God, and you don’t have to make an appointment because He is always available. God gave each of us the same 24 hours. Ask Him to help you make time to care for yourself as you care for a loved one. Ask Him to help you make the most of your time and trust Him to do it.

This is only a starter list. Keep adding to your caregiver self-care toolbox and remember this: Caregiver self-care is not frivolous, but it is necessary.

Feature Image Self-Care Is the Best Care Photo by Ava Sol on Unsplash

You Matter Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash