Posting along with the Five Minute Friday writing community where each week we gather around a single word writing prompt to free-write for five minutes flat, then read each other’s posts to spread the love and encouragement. This week’s FMF writing prompt is: SETTLE
This is the inaugural post for the Confessions of a Caregiver page where I hope to engage other caregivers or those who see caregiving in their future, to share tips and tricks or blow off steam, but mostly to find encouragement. It is a rewarding challenge to care for those you love, and still love them in spite of the physical and emotional hurdles involved. For me, this can be done only with Jesus leading the way.
James 4:10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
I struggled to recognize this new caregiver role. I know, it doesn’t make sense. We redecorated a room, bought a bed and dresser, moved her clothes in, set-up automatic deliveries of personal supplies, and stocked the pantry with her favorites. All the while I kept planning vacations, leading a bible study on Wednesday nights, and taking my evening walks.
Nonsense! I can’t plan a two-week vacation, commit to leading let alone preparing for that bible study, and I’ve already written about giving up my evening walks. I’ve continued to whittle away the things that take me out of the house and now I’m working on other things that waste my time while at home. The life of a caregiver is unpredictable, at least mine is, so wasting time is not an option.
This is not a pity party. I love my sister and taking care of her was always in the plan, but settling into this caregiving life has been difficult. It is getting easier as my resistance wains. Resistance to giving up my space, my inner space, to fill it up with the needs of my sister and mom.
There is sorrow at the loss of freedom and spontaneity. That my calendar is heavy with doctor appointments and not much more. I am thankful that the appointments are not for me, so there’s that. If there will ever be a vacation, a respite away from caregiving, some advanced planning will be required and that still may not work out. I haven’t tried this yet because I’m simply not confident it can happen.
Since Alzheimer’s is progressive planning too far in advance is hard. Things don’t change for the better, so why plan at all? We are not meant to sit and wait for the next bad thing to happen. But that is what I find myself doing.
I’m beginning to settle into the belief that there just isn’t any point so put those plans on the shelf, in the utility closet, at the back of the basement…you get the picture. I don’t want to think about them anymore, or for now anyway.But life must go on. I want to replace those former plans with new ones. God is doing a new thing in my life (Isaiah 43:18) and I want to step into it with faith and confidence in the Devine Planner.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength
I suspect, seizing the moment and making the most of each one is one way to approach this new life, but then that would be about me taking charge. That doesn’t typically work out well, but in Christ, it can be done.
I prefer to rely on God, in humility, to show us the goodness in His gifts regardless of our circumstance and finding peace there. Through Christ, peace is possible in any situation.
2 Thessalonians 3:16a Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.
Questions for Caregivers: What tips can you share for settling into this caregiver’s life? How do you handle the unpredictable nature of the caregiver’s life? What is your favorite place of respite?
Suzette you know your an Angel . I see it in you, your heart your love. GOD Bless You.
Thanks, Frank. I appreciate your support.
INDEED YOU ARE!
I don’t know about that angel business, but I know Michelle sure is.
Before, ’twas I who gave the care,
but now I’m on the other side.
Cancer’s laid me out, and bare
to horrors which will yet betide.
My body is a sinking wreck,
but my mind cannot be bought;
those who would hold me in check
have not bled in wars I’ve fought.
They ask now that I give control,
and, “How are we feeling, dear?”
Like an angry Tolkien troll
I shove the ‘we’ back in their ear.
I’m nae a good Las Vegas bet
but don’t cover me with dirt just yet.
I would guess that no one holds an angry Tolkien troll in check. Andrew, thanks for taking the time to work your magic again.
Thank you for such an honest, heart felt, thought provoking read. Very humbling. We can so take spontaneity, an ability to plan ahead and other personal freedoms for granted. Thoughts and prayers your way. Lovely pics
Tracey, thanks for those prayers and for commenting. It is sometimes a touchy subject but writing about it seems to be helpful to me and I hope others.
Suzette your words have encouraged, blessed and convicted me today since we are in similar boats. You expressed beautifully so many feelings and thoughts that I haven’t, and the yoke is, at least for this day, lighter. I see Christ in you through your service and ministry to your Mom and sister and the Lord working out a servants heart as well….not always the same thing as I am learning. As far as getting help, I have been slow to look into that but am grateful now …please call me if you ever want to talk about that or anything else. Lifting you all in prayer Psalm 139:7-10
Michelle, Thank you for visiting and leaving such a thoughtful comment. Yes, His hand does hold us fast! This we must remember on the days we feel as though our boats sinking. He is our life preserver.
I’ve had two episodes of caregiving that each lasted about a year. I cared for my husband while he fought a catastrophic cancer diagnosis–and I didn’t take care of myself. It took me longer to recover than it did for him to recover. He was back to work within a year. I struggled with the fallout for six years. My second episode was caring for my daughter who we thought was just depressed and binge eating–turned out that she had bipolar disorder. Although this episode lasted about the same time period, I learned from my first episode how important healthy self-care is. I kept up my exercise routine, I stuck to a healthy diet and didn’t use food to anestetize my angst and frustration. Caregivers who don’t take care of themselves burn out more quickly.
I appreciate a fellow caregiver sharing sound and encouraging advice. THANK YOU! I know everything you shared is important and I know I could do better, must do better (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Self-care and soul-care become even more important in a season of caring for others.
Standing on and in your faith, He will bestow onto you the endurance.
Allow yourself to see the humor, even through the tears. Recognise your ever giving. Prayer of St.Francis and Beatitudes bring me strength. Reaching out and sharing, as you are here, will bring you the necessary strength.
Love you!
Thanks for visiting and sharing this good advice and encouragement. Miss you!
I’m so thankful for you, and your sharing about this change in life. I’m so thankful Jesus wants to walk with us in all these things. I pray you’ll have good health and peace as well!
Thank you. I am thankful for the daily reminders of my own weakness. I believe the only way any of us can walk through the valley is with Jesus at our side. The sooner we learn this truth the better.
Suzette, I met you yesterday on the call with FMF. It was encouraging to hear your background and that you cared for your mother and currently your sister. We have similar stories. My mother passed away this past March, right as Covid was hitting. She was blind from macular degeneration and had a host of other health issues. I was directly involved with her healthcare for the past several years. It was very difficult as she was not the nicest person either but I did it out of obedience to the Lord. I always knew from when I was a young girl that I would take care of my younger sister, she has an intellectual disability. I love her immensely but stepping into this role I feel resistance and resentment. I cared for her as well when my mother could no longer but having my mother here caused me to think that my sister was really my mother’s responsibility, not mine. I also have an older sister that has paranoid schizophrenia and is hospitalized. My older brother goes and visits her but in the end, all decisions regarding her health and well being lie on my shoulders. I am grateful he does go and visits with her though but I feel guilty that I don’t! It’s just too much and I have a family that I need to be present for. There is so much to say but I know I don’t have much room! LOL… My saving grace is the Lord. I just keep pressing into him each and every day and he is showing me the way and giving me grace when I need it. I am so happy to have met you!
Meg, Thanks for visiting and sharing your story. My mom as ARMD too. Caregiving is challenging to say the least. God bless you, sister.