The struggling caregiver?  Struggling people need help. That’s not me. I am not struggling. It’s the family member I care for who is struggling. I don’t need help. I can do this!…That might be your first reaction to the title of this article, especially if you’ve never been a long-term caregiver. I know it was mine.

I’m a family caregiver and it took me a while to start thinking differently about help, asking for it, when to get it, where to find it, and why I needed a caregiving team instead of going it alone.

Before becoming a struggling caregiver, we might start optimistically thinking we shouldn’t need help to care for our mate, parent, or sibling. That’s what I thought when we moved my sister, Michelle, into our home. At the time she was ok. Yes, she had Down Syndrome, but she was only 55, attended a day program, had her favorite activities she could do on her own, and lived a happy and otherwise healthy life. And I could still work a full-time job. We were floating along on life’s lazy river.

No problem, right? That was true until Alzheimer’s crashed into our lives. Not long after that, I realized that I was struggling to keep my head above what became a turbulent caregiving sea. I needed a lifeline and maybe you do, too. So, what takes us so long to reach for one?

Shame, pride, maybe fear. Whatever it is for you, look beyond yourself, grab your lifeline, and hold on to it as if your life depends on it, because the quality of your life does.

The rewards and realities for the struggling caregiver

Being a family caregiver has its rewards but, caregiver friend, do you sometimes struggle to see them? At times, we may notice progress, a smile, or maybe our care recipient makes a full recovery. It was all worth it, right? Yay! I hope that’s your story. 

I mean, we believe our loved one is getting the best care we can offer. We are honored to step in on their behalf. On the other hand, what about caring for a loved one who doesn’t make progress and most likely won’t make a full recovery? It’s the reality of caregiving that we may not expect at the outset and one we don’t talk about enough. It’s the deep dark secret of caregiving that sometimes leads to anger, worry, resentment, and feelings of great loss (click here to learn more). I’m sorry if this is your reality. Getting help in place early can help avoid these hard emotions.  

I hope you realize every caregiving effort you exert is important even though progress, smiles, and recovery may not happen. Friend, please know that God sees you and He is smiling.

“My command is this:  Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:12-13)

…and, in this case, family. 

Seek help and struggle no more

Yes, caregiving is one way we can show God’s love to others. Although this verse is a command from Jesus, He didn’t promise it would be easy. But He didn’t say we have to do it alone either. God knows we need help. And while it’s true that God is a very present help (Psalm 46:10), it is also true that God provides help in many different ways. So, be open to what He brings your way.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” –Psalm 46:10 (ESV)

There’s no reason you should be a struggling caregiver forever, so don’t get steeped in that mindset. Once you settle into that way thinking about the situation and yourself it’s hard to get out it (ask me how I know). The good news is…

You can ask for help.

You can find good help.

No one worth having in your life will think less of you for seeking help.

Getting help can make your caregiving life better for your and your care recipient.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “Caregiving is just plain hard work” and, like treading water in an ocean, it can be a struggle. But, don’t be ashamed (or too proud or scared) to seek help from God and the friends, family, and agencies He makes available to you.

More tips on finding good caregiving help next time.

 ‘If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.’ – Maya Angelou

This is my late sister, Michelle.

Please let me know in the comments if you are a family caregiver, too, and who you care for.

Photo credit:  treading water, hard emotions, featured image, lifeline,