I am part of the sandwich generation. While writing this article, I discovered there are three different kinds of sandwiches. Really, It’s a thing. The Traditional, the Club, and the Open-Faced Sandwich. I’m of the traditional variety, with some spicy mustard. I am taking care of my 91-year-old mom and a sister with downs syndrome, and we still have one college grad at home working on getting into a master’s program.
The term ‘sandwich generation’ is becoming so commonplace that it was added to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary in 2006. This rising demographic already accounts for about 47 percent of adults in their 40s and 50s who have a parent 65 or older and are also raising a youngster or supporting a grown child. In fact, one in seven of these adults are financially assisting both their parents and one or more children.
Senior LIving
Our support is not so much financial as it doing all the things a nonagenarian can’t do anymore, and navigating Medicare and Medicaid, prescriptions, yadda, yadda, yadda. You know what I mean. Life becomes a series of peaks and valleys getting closer and closer together. The peaks seem to grow steeper and the valleys deeper, making it difficult to see beyond our present circumstances.
Clearly, I don’t have the spiritual gift of mercy. The Basic Life Principles Institute says the mature mercy-giver is kind and gentle. My patience with others tends to run short, and let’s just say that don’t empathize with others well, either.
There’s no time, I have stuff to do!
Don’t squander the gift of time
I am a mother, I know how fast time passes every time I look into the eyes of my grandchildren. They look so much like their parents. Parents! When did that happen? You see what I mean. Time doesn’t stop just because you’re not enjoying life today.
In this season of caregiving, I find it hard to pause long enough enjoy the moments. I can almost feel the years dissolving like sugar in warm water. There are days, hours, and minutes that should be savored, not pressed through.
No, time slips by unnoticed, until we notice. One day, my mom will not be here to hold my hand, or pray for me, and me for her. Why is it so hard to live in the moment? To enjoy a conversation or just spend time together? One would think that after being shut in, due to Covid-19, we would have at least learned that.
I have the gift of administration. That means I can see the big picture. I like to manage projects, break down the steps, assign them to others, and remove roadblocks so they can work. It’s just how I see things, so that’s probably why I tend to compartmentalize the caregiving function as work rather than a labor of love. When the laundry is done, the meals are made, and the pillbox filled, in my mind, I’m done for the day. At least, I want to be. But that isn’t true. I am still a daughter who still needs her mother and, as a mother, I know mine still needs me.
God gave each of us certain gifts to serve the Kingdom. Caregivers, we must remember that serving our loved ones is serving the Kingdom and God will provide what you need to do it in love. Don’t be afraid or feel guilty about asking for His help or for anyone’s help. You don’t have to do this alone. Family, friends, and neighbors will help if they know you need them. No one will think less of you because you asked for help. What do you have to lose?
The curse of the work-life balancing act
A coworker described caregiving as “exhausting”. He cares for a mentally ill brother and it is challenging.
He’s right, caregiving is exhausting. It’s constantly running to complete an unending to-do list. Caregiving often brings on feelings of guilt. The physical and mental work involved increases over time, and all of it generates stress. According to the APA, stress seems to hit moms harder. It seems women do the bulk of the caregiving work and worry, while tending to sometimes multiple households and humans. There are many days we don’t want to do the next to-do on the list. That’s when God increases our capacity (Psalm 118:5).
With so many stressors, the sandwich generation can often experience:
–Caregiver burnout and feelings of depression, guilt and isolation.
-Issues finding the time to be a good spouse, parent, and child simultaneously.
-Trouble managing work, hobbies, relationships and time for themselves.
Psychological issues as they struggle with being pulled in multiple directions every day.Senior Living
Being a caregiver is hard, and it is work. That must be why it often feels like just plain hard work. But it is doable. Seriously, taking care of a loved one can be a gift, and finding a healthy work-life balance is the key to unwrapping the prize.
Our loved ones are not our projects. They are our mothers, sisters, grandmothers, and grandfathers clinging to independence even as they feel it slipping away day by day. They need our assistance, energy, attention, and love. The same love we shared before we stepped into the role of caregiver. They deserve our kindness.
We have been given an opportunity to serve and we should do it to the best of our physical ability and spiritual capacity. Let us remember, God provides us with both (2 Corinthians 9:8) Yes, I’m giving myself a pep talk, too. We must be encouragers. Work on sowing seeds of joy instead of dread, because they will see the dread on your face and that is not life-giving to anyone. I must say that I haven’t perfected the balancing act yet.
David bloomed where he was planted. We, too, are called to bring God glory in whatever place He has put us – career, ministry, relationships, our homes. We can either let the soil we’re in deplete us or feed us – it’s our choice. Like David, we can expand the family of God by allowing seeds of encouragement and faith grow in us. We can give encouragement and build each other up in the faith instead of expressing bitterness and doubt when the winds of strife or pain blow. Those precious seeds will multiply by the Spirit of God in us, reaching far beyond the place where we remain.
– Quantrilla Ard
How can I do this?
How can we better serve our loved ones and ourselves so that we enjoy the time we have together, so it isn’t exhausting, and doesn’t seem like work? That’s a big ask, but we have a big God!
These are just a few suggestions I am trying to implement in my relationship with my mom and sister. I hope they help you, too.
Pray before you play (Proverbs 3:5-6) My son is a church organist and music director and, after years at the piano, I still tell him to pray before he plays. This concept applies in so many areas, including caregiving. Pray before you leave home and before you enter their door. Ask God to give you His countenance, patience, and kindness when you can’t seem to find these qualities within yourself.
Plan your visit, but allow some flexibility (Proverbs 16:9)
For example, do not try to squeeze a visit in while your dinner is in the oven. That’s baking in disaster (yes, pun intended because we have to have fun sometime). You will be rushing, forget something, have to go back and that’s a sure smile-killer. Yes, friend, learn from my mistakes. Ask God to help with your schedule and learn to leave some open time in it. Do not box yourself in. Creating your own stress-bomb, well, that’s on you, not your loved ones.
Smile until the rest of you catches up with your face (Proverbs 15:13, 15:30)
Caregiving can brew anger, resentment, and bitterness. It’s too late when bitterness starts bubbling over because it bubbles over on everyone in your path. Do not let it happen. Smile and remember that you love this person and they love you.
Take care of yourself so that you can care for your loved ones (Ephesians 5:29)
It’s ok to get professional help with the stress of it all. Set up boundaries with your loved one so that you both know what to expect and when. Sleep, eat right, exercise, and try to do something fun.
I’d love to hear what works for you. Don’t forget to smile!
You can also find me here this week:
Faith on Fire, Lyli Dunbars link-up.
Grace and Truth Link-Up, hosted by Lauren Sparks (This post was featured here)
Inspire Me Monday link-up, hosted by Anita Ojeda
References:
AARP guilt https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/life-balance/info-2017/living-with-guilt-bjj.html?intcmp=AE-CAR-CLB-IL
APA American Psychological Assoc. https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/sandwich-generation
Senior Living, Sandwich Generation Stressors https://www.seniorliving.org/caregiving/sandwich-generation/
Proverbs 31 Ministries, First Five app, Called and Confident by Quantrilla Ard, on 1 Chronicles 14
Spiritual Gift of Mercy, https://iblp.org/questions/what-spiritual-gift-mercy
Photo credits: Unsplash.com
Cartoon: https://goodlifefamilymag.com/2016/10/20/the-sandwich-generation/
It is so so hard! I’ve been blessed with the experience and though caregiving is no longer a huge part of my life (thankfully, my loved one is recovered enough to not need as much care now), these tips are a great reminder and comfort. Thanks for sharing!
Daisy, Thanks for visiting and leaving this thoughtful comment. I’m glad your loved one recovered and gained back a measure of independence and your life has freed up a bit.
What a beautiful purpose you are serving as you care for others! I so admire caregivers. For only a brief year I traded turns with my siblings to care for our parents in their final year of life. It was very hard on everybody, so I can’t imagine the patience and perseverance you must have, even when you don’t feel like it. Even when those we care for are “easy”, it’s still difficult.
Lisa, I’m sorry you lost both of your parents, especially so close together, that must have been hard. I don’t have the patience I’d like, but God has always blessed me with perseverance. I guess I never thought of it before you mentioned it. Thanks for that! He’s also blessed me with a husband, children, and a brother who do more than their fair share.
Caregiving is hard. It’s sacrificial and requires so much of you. I’m glad you’re not doing it alone. Most family members who are caring for loved ones would love some help, however, oftentimes it’s a solo journey. I’m glad you have the help of your husband, children, and brother. I’m sure that makes it a lot easier for you. May God continue to bless you as you lovingly care for your mother. That’s what our elders need…love because so many feel like a burden. As you say, one day you won’t be able to hold her hand and vice versa. May you continue to care for her with that in mind.
Yvonne, thanks for visiting. I am grateful for my family as we care for my mom and sister together. I’m working every day to heed your advice. I know there are days when I could do better. Sorry for the delayed response. Mom spent a few days in the hospital, but she is home now and much improved.
I was grateful to have siblings and a spouse who always did more than their fair share with our parents. Such a blessing!
I featured your post at my blog last Friday and on Instagram today because it made an impact on me. Keep doing what you’re doing!
Lisa, thanks for your kind comment and for featuring the post. It means a lot to me. Yes, I am so grateful for my family. I couldn’t do any of this without them and the good Lord.
I’m visiting from Lisa’s Grace and Truth link-up. I could identify with much of this. We moved my m-i-l 2,000 miles to be near us in an assisted living facility. She was there for five years, ended up in a nursing home and weighed 90 lbs. when she left there. We brought her home to die–but she lived another five years at home. Caregiving was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But God taught me a lot about depending on Him through the different aspects.
Barbara, Its good to know you’re visiting from G & T. Thanks for sharing your caregiving experience. It is comforting to know God grows us up in faith with each trial. Without that hope, this would be even harder.
Whatever gifts or talents we use in caring for others, it’s the relationship that is most important. Thank you for highlighting that. I’m especially grateful for my sister who will be doing the lion’s share of caregiving as our parents get older, since she lives with them and I live very far away. I guess I need to remember to check in with her often as well and give her as much encouragement and support as I can.
I’m sorry it took days to get back to you. It’s been a week! Thank you for visiting and commenting.
Caregiving from afar can be difficult, too. Until recently my brother couldn’t really help much with my mom and sister and that was hard for him. He felt guilt and a desire to help that he couldn’t fulfill. I pray that you and your sister become even closer as you head into the caregiving years. You will need each other.